Tim, Jenny and I gather at a surprisingly quiet St Pancras for the journey north. In our carriage are a group of London-based Hereford fans, off to their FA Cup game against Wednesday. Spotting Tim’s Rotherham scarf hanging from the luggage rack, one of them comes over to wish us luck, as a good result against Stockport would do them a favour. In return, we let them know about the no-colours policy in the Sheffield Tap, and tell them to fit in some drinking in Shalesmoor if they have time.
As we wait to cross the road at the Shalesmoor roundabout, I get a call from Ted to let me know Darlo’s game against Kettering is off, due to a frozen pitch. That means a whole afternoon’s drinking in Darlington. The poor dear; however will he cope?
I’m on a mission in the Fat Cat, leaving a few copies of the London Drinker in a stealth raid, in return for making off with Beer Matters, Inn-spire and whatever other local mags are left there. (Though one of them is picked up by Chris Turner, who’s travelled independently of us today, which wasn’t quite the idea...) We join Phil, who’s already into his first pint. He’s drinking something called ‘Baby It’s Cold Outside’, which for him should be subtitled ‘So Let’s Stay Inside And Pretend We’ve Won’. We start working our way through the London Drinker’s fiendishly difficult quiz, sharpening our intellects in preparation for the afternoon’s entertainment. Unfortunately, the answers won’t appear for a couple of months, by which time we’ll have forgotten which questions we completed (although we know it wasn’t many!).
There’s no wind today, which should make for a better game than the one against Southend. The Stockport fans have arrived with the most ambitious banner I’ve seen at a game, the DVS presumably being one of the few places that gives them room to spread it out. They must need an industrial-sized washing machine to give it a good clean at the end of the season, that’s all I can say.
We have a player making his debut for us today, and after several attempts, Ronnie has finally got his man – or rather, his son. Yes, Our Ian™ has signed from Tranmere, and slots in on the left wing.
Stockport must sense it’s not going to be their day after ten minutes. Matt Glennon has already made one great save when Aaron Brown, playing his first game for them, diverts a Marcus Marshall cross past him. Their fans celebrate harder than we do – but then they did score the goal, and there’s always room for a bit of gallows humour at the bottom of the table, like the glorious April day we went to Yeovil when we were already relegated, and a conga line broke out on the terrace to a chorus of ‘Going down but we’re getting a tan...’
Ten minutes later, Dale Tonge scuffs a cross in the box, but Ryan Taylor still latches on to it and shoots past Glennon. Despite being two-nil down, Stockport are playing some good football, and on this evidence it’s hard to see why they’re bottom of the league. And perhaps it would stay two-nil, except their defence tries to play the offside trap, but Alfie gets clear and scores his first goal since December. His celebration rubs it in the faces of the Stockport fans somewhat, so I can only assume he didn’t leave the club on the best of terms.
Just before half-time, the two six-a-side teams trot out on to the running track ready for their game. ‘Sign them up, sign them up, sign them up,’ sing the Stockport fans.
The 50-50 draw is performed by someone from the Rotherham Beer Festival. After being held at Oakwood School for a number of years, it’s moving to the Magna Centre in Templeborough, but our conspiracy theory is that the football club is getting involved with promoting it because it’ll move to the new stadium once that’s up and running... Meanwhile, Sky are busy interviewing people in the crowd for some item or other, meaning the Millerettes only get to perform about thirty seconds of this week’s routine. If you’ve never seen a bunch of furious, disgruntled tweens before, it’s not a pretty sight!
The second half is really entertaining. It’s not just Glennon who has to make a couple of excellent saves; Don also has to be at his shot-stopping best to preserve his clean sheet. We add a fourth goal when Danny Harrison, in the team as Jason Taylor is still suspended, plays a great ball that Alfie chases to the byline. Instead of clearing it, the unfortunate Brown only succeeds in playing in Ryan Taylor for his second goal. There’s still time for Alfie to score possibly the greatest disallowed goal of all time. He lobs Glennon from about forty yards, but the ref decides he’s pushed one of the Stockport defenders before getting the shot away, and rules it out.
Our chum who sits in front of us has his wife with him today. She’s not doing too badly. Two games this season, nine goals for, none against. Someone tell her football isn’t always like this!
Back in the city centre, there’s time for a drink in the surprisingly busy Queen’s Head. While we’re in there, Southampton take the lead against Man U in the televised game, but by the time we check the score again later, normal service has been resumed and Man U have won. Tim is staying over, but on the train Jenny and I witness a Hereford fan making a bid to join the Manners Police and eclipsing even Clarkey’s gentlemanly acts in transit. He’s been chatting to the woman sitting next to him, and when she gets up to leave at Leicester, he actually helps her on with her coat. Chivalry is not dead, it’s just very, very poorly...
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