An Introduction To Kevin Pressman Pie Maths

Today is the day we are actually going to see some football – at least that’s what Jenny, Steve Ducker and I reckon as we congregate at Kings Cross. Mind you, Jenny saw some on Tuesday, but the less said about that the better. Ted has kept very quiet about Darlo beating us, but he knows better, as these things have a nasty way of coming back and biting you on the bum.
The train is surprisingly quiet, but then Leeds are in London today, playing Spurs in the evening FA Cup kick-off. While we wait for Clarkey to wander down the train to join us, we fill Steve in on last week’s unplanned pub crawl. Steve knows Preston from his university days, so he tries to guess the eight pubs we visited, getting most of them eventually – though in his day (and probably still now), there were several others we could easily have included.
Once in Sheffield, we nip in to the Tap at the station, where we find the Burtons, Martin idly finishing the Independent crossword (and a pint). Phil has let us know he’s running a little late, so we give him time to arrive and work his way through a beer. There are four Thornbridge and four Brew Dog beers on draught today, the latter not impressing Ted when I let him know – I’m sure he’s ranted elsewhere about the ‘brewing is the new rock ‘n’ roll’ philosophy and how much it gets up his nose.
We head out to Shalesmoor. On the tram, the conductor bonds with us. For some reason, he’s got it in his head that we’re going to ditch Steve somewhere along the journey – it must be a slow day on the trams! The Fat Cat is unusually busy, even accounting for the fact we’re slightly later than usual – though a nice chap who’s on his last pint of the session gives up his table for us. The food, however, is up to its excellent standards. The inclusion of apple and raisins in the coleslaw leads me to suspect they may have a new chef, but apparently they just didn’t have enough cabbage, so they’re improvising. In which case, they should run out more often...
When Jenny and I go to catch the tram, it soon becomes apparent there’s a backlog in the system. One comes in, heading towards Hillsborough and is held until one immediately behind can disgorge its passengers and turn round. When we get on this latter tram, we discover it’s not hordes of Peterborough fans causing the problem, but some protest march through Sheffield. It must be a hefty protest, as I find out later it delayed Ted’s mate Colin on his way from Nottingham to Crewe.
There are more cameramen than usual buzzing around the DVS, as we’re going to be one of the featured games on the Beeb’s new regional Late Kick-off show. Having secured the flag next to a Maltby Millers one we’ve not seen before, we’re on our way to our seats when Jenny bumps into a friend of hers, Julie, who she always used to see in the Old White Lion near Millmoor. Julie is recently retired, and they discuss the joys of no longer having to work for a living – rub it in, why don’t you, ladies?
Taking my seat, I spot Mr Scouts With Wolves for what must be the third time this season, though I’ve still no idea if he’s watching anyone in particular. Also sitting in the scouting/guests/hangers-on section is Kevin Pressman. He’s now the goalkeeping coach for Scunny, who aren’t playing till tomorrow, but he’s best known by us for his time at Wednesday, where he was surprisingly agile despite being – how shall we put this delicately? - rather well-upholstered. Toddy always claimed he carried a tray of pies with him at all times, even while actually in goal, which once led Phil to set the following question: ‘If a pie costs £1.25 (that’s how much they are in our local chippy) how many pies has Pressman actually eaten to get the club into debt to the tune of 16 million quid?’ Kevin Pressman Pie Maths out of the way, we can get on with enjoying the game – perhaps.
Since we last played Grimsby at home, Mike Newell has come and gone (most likely karma for the way he treated ex-Roth keepers Phil Barnes and the very lovely Monty), but their form hasn’t improved. They haven’t won in something like seventeen games, and given our record against teams who are doing appallingly (Darlo, I’m pointing in your direction), this could all go horribly wrong for us. However, it becomes apparent within a few minutes this isn’t going to be the case.
We’ve got two new players in the sixteen, both on loan from Blackburn. Gavin Gunning is starting at left-back, with Ronnie obviously feeling he needs someone tall in that position, and Marcus Marshall, who we didn’t actually realise we’d signed, is on the bench. Grimsby have very little to offer, and when Micky Cummins slides the ball through to Alf, he has a simple finish past Nick Colgan.
We increase the lead shortly before half time, when Colgan saves Cummins’ header from a corner and Alf, in true poaching style, knocks in the rebound. One of the Grimsby defenders reckons he’s been fouled, but the goal stands. With Grimsby’s only real chance having been a shot which Don saved well with his legs, everything feels very positive and comfortable. My dad even hears the younger of the two boys in front of us encouraging Warrington to ‘have a run with it’, which amuses him greatly - little one, I have taught you well...
Our special guest at half-time is Dave Titterton, who’s just been crowned Mr Universe. Yes, the muscliest, oiliest, most orange man in the world is from Rotherham. It makes you feel proud, but not as proud as when Miller Bear, to the accompaniment of the Wheels Cha-cha, goes through his muscleman posing routine.
The second half is rather uneventful. Grimsby try to step things up a bit as they’re kicking towards the goal on the smoother side of the pitch. They bring on Adam Proudlock for the spectacularly named Jean-Paul Akpa Akpro – a move always guaranteed to rile the Rotherham fans, who knew him and didn’t like him much when he played for Wednesday. When the Mariners string four or five passes together, their fans start shouting ‘Olé! – the only time I’ve ever heard it done ironically. We still look the more likely to score again, though. Tom Pope, who desperately needs a goal, and deserves one based on today’s performance, shoots wide with only the keeper to beat, then Colgan makes a save Kevin Pressman would have been proud of to deny Alf his hat-trick.
In stoppage time, Grimsby score, their sub Wes Fletcher slotting home, though Don looks as though he should really have got a hand to it. If there’d been more than ninety seconds to go, it might have set up a tense finish, but in truth this has been a comfortable victory. New boy Gunning has looked impressive and I'm sure Ronnie, watching from the director's box for once, is pleased with how the team have got Tuesday night out of their system.
Jenny is staying over for the rearranged game against Cheaterfield, so Steve, Clarkey and I take the tram back to Meadowhall, guiding a couple of lost Grimsby fans to Attercliffe station on the way (we’re all heart!). In Donny, we have a swift one in the Corner Pin, spotting our chum Mr Thorne Brewery, or Peter as we now know him. I’m able to report back to him that his stout has been going down well in the Quaker House in Darlo.
The train to Kings Cross is full of Peterborough fans, so Clarkey nips into first class (to catch forty winks, most likely). Steve and I find ourselves sitting next to a Luton fan who’s been up to Gateshead. He checks their crowd in the Green ’Un. It’s 1200, approximately 900 of whom were from Luton, or so he reckons. At the table opposite, two women are discussing the eye surgery one of them has just had. Steve starts looking a bit queasy at the mention of retinas, so we distract ourselves with our favourite quotes from Harry Pearson’s ‘The Far Corner’, the funniest ever book about football. I’m glad I’m not the only one who can recite chunks from it.
Ted has called to let me know he’s drinking with his Wycombe chum, Paul the photographer, in the Betjeman, so once in London Clarkey and I join him for couple of pints (or coffees, in my case). They have Sky Sports News on, with the sound down and the predictive text-style subtitles on, which enables us to see the Rotherham goals from this afternoon being scored by ‘Adam Low Fonda’. Misprint or not, they still look pretty good to me...