Confessions Of A Neutral Supporter - Part One

With the fixture compiler having kindly scheduled Rotherham-Darlo as a
midweek game, Ted wins the household battle of who's going up to the DVS and
who's staying home to mind the cats. So I do the only thing a girl can under
the circumstances - go to watch Dagenham and Redbridge play Grimsby. I've
been to Dagenham a few times when I can't make a Rotherham game, mostly in
their non-league days, and have seen some pretty decent games, including a
three-all draw against Doncaster in the far-off days when Donny had my
current sponsored player, Andy 'Don' Warrington, in goal - and he was grey
even then!

For once, the District Line is running more swiftly than expected, and I'm
at Victoria Road by ten to seven. I head for the away end as I work on the
theory that I'm giving my money to the home club so I'll give my support to
the visitors. The gates aren't open yet, so I mill around in the freezing
cold with the twenty or so Grimbsy fans who are already there. We look like
the zombie extras outside the Big Brother house in 'Dead Set', only without
the life and vitality. By the time they let us through the turnstiles, it's
hailing, and I dive for one of Dagenham's legendary burgers to fortify
myself. I suspect they're not quite in the same class as the burgers Jamie
Oliver and his team were cooking outside Millmoor after the last match of
last season, but as catering at football grounds goes, they really are top
of the league.

The Grimsby keepers, Phil Barnes and the lovely Monty, emerge to warm up in
front of me and half-a-dozen lads who are braving the elements in little
more than replica tops (do they not know the meaning of the word
'hypothermia'). Said lads start chucking an inflatable banana about, and I
end up being treated to the surreal sight of them asking Barnes if they can
have their banana back. Meanwhile, I have to chuck a ball back to one of the
other Grimsby players when he scuffs it over the advertising hoarding - oh,
the glamour!

Mind you, that's about the height of the excitement for the evening, as the
game turns out to be almost ridiculously one-sided. Dagenham, despite their
lofty position in the table, aren't world beaters by any means, but Grimsby
make them appear so. When the Mariners came to the DVS a few weeks ago, they
didn't look a bad side, just one which was severely lacking in confidence.
Tonight, however, they're awful. They let in two soft goals before
half-time, the first from a corner no one deals with and the second a fumble
by Barnes which gives the Daggers an easy tap-in. Over behind the main
stand, a large firework display is taking place, presumably celebrating
Diwali. It's easily the most entertaining thing which happens in the first
45 minutes.

When the Tannoy announcer reads out the half-times, we discover that the
games at Luton and Wycombe have been abandoned due to bad weather.
Immediately, several Grimsby fans start praying for snow in the hope that
this game, too, will be called off.

Instead, we get persistent drizzly rain and the game continues. Dagenham
still look as though they could score with every attack, and the moaning
around me (the away following having swelled to a very impressive 232 hardy
souls) has stepped up a gear. Somehow, other teams' moaners are always more
interesting than yours, even if all they are doing is singling out one
player for constant criticism - in this case, Grimsby left-back Tom Newey.
'Do something, Grimsby,' yells a bloke to my left as the ball is hurriedly
hoofed into touch once more, 'even if it's only panic.' Sadly, the only
thing Grimsby do is let in two more goals - the third a great finish from
Daggers' Paul Benson, the fourth... Well, by then I've lost most of the
feeling from my shins downward, so I don't remember too much about it.
All that is keeping me vaguely alert is the banter between the banana boys
and Dagenham keeper Tony Roberts. Now, goalkeepers can broadly be divided
into two camps: they're either vain or eccentric (or, if they're Jens
Lehmann, vain and eccentric). Roberts, it has to be said, is the all-time
leader in the 'mad as a bag of rats' camp. Any comment about his weight or
physique leads to him going through a routine of muscleman poses, and when
the lads start chanting, 'Tony Roberts is a w*nker, is a w*nker,' his
reponse is, 'Well, every so often...' He clearly thrives on the banter,
though it's probably giving him something to do, as Grimsby barely threaten
his goal. By the end, people are just willing the game to be put out of its
misery.

The sympathy I have for the Grimsby fans in their plight evaporates as soon
as the other results are read out and a few cheers greet the fact that Darlo
have beaten us. We're still above them in the league, though, and on
tonight's showing likely to remain so. I head for home and a nice, reviving
cup of tea...